I've been away for a while again and I missed writing. The past weeks were super busy and I had to study a lot. Apart from that, I did a couple of nice things with friends and family - like the day with my bro and my father visiting me.
Sometimes, writing something down in a blog post, works like an online diary. Even though I've got my little diary for every day, at times, I need to write more than a sentence. So I'm just going to share some thoughts with you.
One week ago, my father came to visit me in Eindhoven. We talked about how funny it is how much you can look like one or both of your parents. Not only physically or in your personality, but also in how you live your life. For example, my mother struggled with the same things as me in high school, also had a gap year (went to France to learn French - close enough) and started to study Industrial Design (in Delft, not Eindhoven) after that. I mean, what?! I never made any of these choices because she did so at my age; it's just how everything worked out. This is just one example, but there are many more similarities I noticed between parents and children. Fascinating.
My father told me he could really see my mother in me. On the outside, I don't look like her that much - though you can see she's my mother - but in personality, I do. I mentioned some small things that were similar, but then he told me that he sees the perfectionist that my mother was. Expecting a lot from myself and others. I agreed, we spoke about it, but I gave it some more thoughts, later on.
I do expect a lot of myself. Although I think that I've become more relaxed over time when it comes to that, it was a little confronting to notice that it's still present. Of course, it's good to be ambitious. It's not a bad thing to strive for delivering well and being critical about yourself. The problem is, I expect a lot of myself in every way.
In high school, it was way worse. Without exaggerating, I wanted to be: pretty, slim, smart, well-dressed, sporty, musical, arty, considered a nice girl, a good friend, sexy, loved and liked by boys, a good family member, good but also a little rebellious, fun to party with, funny in general, confident and at the same time, relaxed. Ha ha. It's not that I kept this list to check whether I'd done everything necessary, it's more that I automatically compared myself to everyone who was better at a particular aspect. By this, I was only focusing on negativity. In the past two years, I've become way better at approaching myself in a more positive way, and also at accepting that I can't be all of that at the same time. It's not realistic.
Anyways, what I can notice, is that I overthink a lot. I still care about how people see me. I feel guilty when I've misbehaved or been mean to someone, I feel stupid about and angry with myself sometimes. I expect myself to handle every situation in the right way and to please everyone by being me.
I wanted to ask myself: why? Why isn't it okay to do things I maybe shouldn't have done, to make mistakes? Why can't I be sad about something, or hurt? Why does everybody need to like me? Why does it need to be perfect, all the time? Because, in other people, I can see the beauty of not being perfect. The weird little things about someone, imperfect bodies, insecurities; it makes you human. Often, I like you even more when I discover something personal that's different.
So; I'm not the perfect person. I say stupid things. I can be stressed, emotional, exaggerative, unattractive, whatever. I can have no clue of how I should deal with something. I don't sleep enough and I should study more. And do more sports.
But: I know I'm valuable to several people. I know that I'm not ugly. My body isn't too skinny or too big. I can offer a lot in different ways. I'm pretty smart, mature (mostly), know what I want (generally) and I can have deep conversations as well as a good laugh with you. Sounds a lot better, don't you think?
I feel like it's very important to adapt this way of thinking in anyone's life. There's no advantage in pulling yourself down. And honestly, at times, I can be jealous of people who genuinely don't give a shit about what others think of them. You go girl/guy!
I'm sure I'm not the only one, so even though it's personal, I felt like sharing it. Maybe you got something out of it <3