|Photo by Abe Funnekotter|
The moment I'm writing this, is one of the relatively few ones that I've been feeling relaxed, in the past couple of weeks. I've started the last quartile of my second year at the TU/e, including an extra subject, and I'm doing quite some other things, next to my studies. Also, I just moved to another student house (which I'm super excited about!).
Most of the things I'm doing, are fun. I enjoy coming up with ideas, being creative, making stuff, helping people. I've got some awesome friends and family members to hang out with and talk to. They get me through everything.
Even though there is nothing really to complain about, I'm exhausted. I constantly feel like I'm behind on everything, not putting enough energy in people and things that are important to me. It all feels a little bit too much. The worst thing about this, is that I could feel myself slipping away. I became less and less in touch with myself, with my emotions. Whether these emotions and feelings are positive or negative, I don't like it when I can't really feel. Because that's not me. I'm a person who wants to experience and deal with everything that happens in her life.
In the Netherlands, we have this well-known song, in which they sing: "Stop! En door!", which means: "Stop! And (go) on!". It was in my head, the entire time that I was thinking about writing this blog. I'm skipping the "stop" part at the moment; the only thing I'm doing is going on and on.
This week (and the weeks before), I was running around all the time, without checking what I really needed. I realised this the other day; I don't want to live like this and I need to make a change. Prioritise. Make sure I'm not behind on my studies, but also relax, smile, party, be with friends, sleep and fucking live enough. I decided to take an entire weekend for myself, to do all of that.
I'm not writing this because I want you to feel sorry for me. It's is my own responsibility and I'd rather get positive attention, than trying this way. I'm writing it, to illustrate what I can see happening to almost everyone around me, as well. It might be the time of the (academic) year, our age, whatever. So many people are working their asses off, beyond their limits. I see too many suffering from it; not paying attention to their actual needs.
You'd probably be good enough, accepted, and loved as much, with half of the amount of time and effort that you put in your work now. It's something I have to constantly remind myself of, as well. But it's true; for you too.
When I think of the moments that I felt most loved, most valuated, happiest, those were all moments, when I didn't put effort in trying to be enough. The girl I talked about in the beginning, at the festival, said some things to me that I'm really thankful for. She was being genuine and what she said, might not have been that big of a deal for her, but to me, it meant a lot. At that moment, I wasn't thinking about stupid things, like saying something wrong or looking ugly. It made me realise that I should start listening to the real Josie again, who actually knows quite well what she has to offer, what she wants and what she needs. For now, that's a little (productive) break. Next time, it might be a nice travelling experience or a 5 hour talk with 3 litres of tea. Who knows. At least, I'll focus on the good.
So, are you also going to stop? And go on? Ask yourself what you need sometimes. And maybe what kind of (small) things you could do for yourself and the people around you, to make that happen. Good luck!
Lots of love,